Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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