At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
