Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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