there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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