weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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