see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
