My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize