i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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