if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
