the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
