wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Drunk is a universal language darling
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
