even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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