I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
