look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
