I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
