He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
