overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
