I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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