I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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