I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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