fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
