why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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