so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
