bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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