You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
