he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Randomize