...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize