uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
