Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Mom said you looked used
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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