dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
