Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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