peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
