She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
