i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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