I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
