Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
