I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
3 2 1 whiskey
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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