I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
