I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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