did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
