im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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