yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
