What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
