it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I understand Curling. That high.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Randomize
