Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
