Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Go christen that room with your naked body.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
