...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize