I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Found your dick twin last night
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
