Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
