My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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