you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
