i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize