so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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