I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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