my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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