I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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