from now on my penis is your penis
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
