I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
